Baywatch

Living a life filled with surf, sun and sand isn’t the idyll it appears in Baywatch. Based on the television series of the same name, this cinematic excursion to the beach exposes the seedy underside of its coastal community, with illicit activity as prevalent as pristine vistas and rolling waves. Accordingly, Lieutenant Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson, The Fate of the Furious) and his fellow lifeguards don’t just save swimmers in the ocean — they endeavour to save the Florida locale of Emerald Bay from unseemliness. Their quest is mirrored by the film they’re in, but not their fate. 

When drugs start washing up on the shore, Buchannon is driven to act. And, with a new club owned by ruthless businesswoman Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra, TV’s Quantico) opening nearby, he thinks he knows the culprit. It’s a busy time around the lifeguard tower, with arrogant swim star Matt Brody (Zac Efron, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates), the conscientious Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario, The Choice), and the clumsy Ronnie Greenbaum (Jon Bass, Loving) joining the crew; their hands-off Captain (Rob Huebel, Transparent) and the local Sergeant (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, The Get Down) reminding them to stick to their remit; and accidents plaguing the waters. Still, protecting the beach is a mission this group doesn’t take lightly. 

Director Seth Gordon (Identity Thief) does, though. With a story credited to scribe pairs Jay Scherick and David Ronn (The Smurfs 2) and Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant (Reno 911), but ultimately scripted by Damian Shannon and Mark Swift (Friday the 13th), his Baywatch wants to rescue the brand from its ‘90s television heyday and turn it into knowing fun. If it worked for late ‘80s series 21 Jump Street and its 2012 and 2014 film iterations, the thinking appears to be, then it should work here. With the TV series spanning 242 episodes over 11 seasons, there should be plenty to toy with, the driving forces seem to contend; more than CHiPs, at least, the fellow small-to-big screen iteration it shares more in common with than it might like.

So it is that the movie strides forth with a nod, smile, the gleam of its likeable cast, and an eagerness to turn cheesiness into raucous humour. ‘Everything you guys are talking about sounds like an entertaining but far-fetched TV show,’ Brody remarks when he learns of the other side of his job — and while his comment signals Baywatch’s intention to improve and satirise its inspiration, the end result simply layers one kind silliness on top of another. Jokes predicated upon body parts and functions come early, and keep following. The lovesick Ronnie calls out the show’s tendency to depict swimsuit-clad women jiggling in slow motion, though the film keeps the trend going. When haphazard action scenes hop into the swell, Gordon adopts a ladies-in-bikinis approach, throwing explosions, fights and stunts onto the screen in the hope they’ll satisfy just by being there. They don’t.

For their parts, Johnson, Efron and their co-stars — including Kelly Rohrbach (Angie Tribeca) and Ilfenesh Hadera (Billions) as experienced hands CJ Parker and Stephanie Holden — all make for enthusiastic participants; more so than the material deserves. And yet, their inherent charm, willingness and evident physical appeal can’t help them wade through this swiftly sinking action-comedy. As such, Baywatch becomes the cinema equivalent of throwing a rubber duck into a choppy ocean teaming with sharks, something that doesn’t actually happen on screen, but wouldn’t have felt out of place. While exaggerated and clearly primed to garner laughs, it’s not as amusing at it seems, and it’s highly ineffective. Almost every aspect proves similarly ill-fitting, in an effort incapable of getting audiences to happily splash around in its pained, inane take on crime-fighting lifeguards — or save itself.

Rating: 2 stars out of 5

Baywatch
Director: Seth Gordon
USA, 2017, 116 mins
 
Release date: 1 June 2017
Distributor: Paramount
Rated: MA